Uh oh!

HatterDon · Sep 15, 2008

The following was attached to a fist-sized bust of William Shakespeare and tossed through my front window. It was printed on rather nice parchment paper.

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor-general for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft and Apple know this on your behalf. Spell-checkers will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour (not humor)

8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are, pound-for-pound, the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to their beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American 'beer' brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Rene Zellweger attempt English dialogue in Bridget Jones’ Diary was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Furthermore, those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try rugby against the South Africans and Kiwis; they will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An Inland Revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (you call cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!
Click to expand...

stlouisbrad · Sep 15, 2008

I'm ok with it, but can we keep baseball. To quote George Bernard Shaw "baseball has the advantage over cricket in that it's over sooner."

WhitesBhoy · Sep 15, 2008

I'm kind of over baseball for awhile. Maybe we could try cricket for a few seasons and see if its any better...or the season is any shorter.

162 games, not counting the post-season. Is that really necessary?

IanHux · Sep 15, 2008

Well taking into account the length of cricket games multiplied by the number of them would about equal 162 games of baseball so not much difference there (where I got those facts? In my noggin). Other than the debts and "petrol" prices I'm game. I especially love the one banning pointy football.

SteveM19 · Sep 16, 2008

HatterDon said:

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
Click to expand...

Over the dead body of this linebacker-sized former soldier, sonny.

However,

HatterDon said:

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
Click to expand...

on this one, you may have a point.

HatterDon said:

15. An Inland Revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
Click to expand...

Tee Hee Hee. How quaint. That would have to be a big negative, Neville. Don't make me have to get all redneck on you :wink:

Uh oh!

HatterDon Moderator

stlouisbrad Well-Known Member

WhitesBhoy Active Member

IanHux New Member

SteveM19 New Member

Share This Page

About Us

League Standings

Useful Searches

Uh oh!

HatterDon Moderator

stlouisbrad Well-Known Member

WhitesBhoy Active Member

IanHux New Member

SteveM19 New Member

Share This Page