Joke Thread

RE: Chelsea joke

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please. And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos. So the man says, alright then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.

Oh...oh..oh..im dyin here....Im here all week ! Ay thang you !

 

RE: Chelsea joke

thought we should bring this thread back to life. Saw this one on the offal a long time ago.

What do you call a Chelscum fan on the moon? A problem. What do you call two Chelscum fans on the moon? A bigger problem. What do you call all the Chelscum fans on the moon? Problem solved!

 

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do Drivers Education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays? Because on Tuesdays and Thursdays the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.

What do you call an Italian with one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year old lady to drop the F-bomb? Get another sweet little 80-year old to yell out "Bingo".

What's the difference between a northern fairy tale, and a southern fairy tale? A northern fairy tale begins with "Once upon a time..." and a southern fairy tale begins with "Y'all aint gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disney Land in China? No one is tall enough to go on the good rides.

 

You can add nationalities to this one...

There are three guys (all with teenage daughters) having a beer at a bar.

The first guy says 'man I'm having problems with my daughter, I found a pack of cigarettes in her room, I didn't even know she smoked'

The second guy says 'you think you have problems, I found an empty whiskey bottle in my daughter's room, I didn't even know she drank."

The last guy says 'fellas I've got worse problems than you, I found a condom in my daughter's room, I didn't even know she had a d%#k.

 

Four football fans - a Cowboys fan, a Bears fan, a Colts fan and a Patriots fan - are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more.

The Cowboys fan insists he is the most loyal. 'This is for the Cowboys!' he yells, and jumps off the side of the mountain.

Not to be outdone, the Bears fan shouts, 'This is for the Bears!' and throws himself off the mountain.

The COLTS fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells, 'This is for everyone!' and pushes the Patriot fan off the mountain.

GO COLTS !

 

How many Harvard grads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, he holds it up and the world revolves around him.